In all honesty, few in their time can say they were are hard-core Transfans as I was. It was the first line I really collected. My tastes have changed a lot since then, but Transformers still has some leftover draw in me. This summer I’ve been anticipating a lot of movies, and I have no doubt where I’d be when Transformers premiered on July 2nd. I saw it twice, on the second and again on the third, and I can safely saw I enjoyed it. I wish there were nicer toys to buy, as is I’ve really just bought the big Prime and Megatron out of obligation. As for the movie, here’s my critique (which assumes you’ve seen the movie):
It is the year 2007. The treacherous Decepticons have conquered the Autobot’s home planet of Cybertron. Not too hard since there seem to be roughly five Autobots total, but hey . . .
Much of the first half of the movie is focused on Sam (Spike) Witwicky and his first car, The Autobot hero Bumblebee. It’s mostly comic relief with Bumblebee helping Sam hook up with fanboy-dream girl Mikaela, but obviously they’re trying to build the relationship between the two. The drama aspect is a bit slow for an action movie, but there is a lot to set up for the uninitiated. Soon the rest of the Autobots arrive, and the real action beings. About forty-five minutes later. I don’t have much more to say on the first half of the movie. It’s good, but there’s not much worth talking about.
So first comes a pretty ridiculous scene with Sam searching his room for the glasses which hold the map to the Allspark, with the Autobots pressuring him outside and trying to hide from his parents. The scene pretty much shows that these ‘warriors’ have no concept of stealth, or patience for that matter. Seriously, if you’ve spent millennia looking for the Allspark (which you yourself shot into space) what’s fifteen minutes to let a fleshy search his room? And are the Witwicky’s neighbors all blind and deaf? And then enters the FBI. I mean the CIA. I mean the court jesters. Seriously, the worst excuse for government agents ever blunder in. Personal politics aside, between these Area 51 losers and the comical Sec of Defense, could we find one more opportunity to bash the Bush Administration? Oh yeah, I forgot about the Ding-Dongs on Air Force One. So Sam gets taken into custody, which invariably involves being given a grand tour of the most super-secret military base on Earth, along with random Army guys 1-5, that useless Austrailian chick and her personal ‘Token.’ God bless national security. They find out the the base houses both the frozen Megatron and the Allspark itself. Meanwhile the Autobots use the map on the glasses and head towards the base themselves. Thanks to their spy Frenzy the Decepticsons find this out too and rally for the battle to follow. Meanwhile inside the base Frenzy proceeds to begin to thaw out Megatron, which Sam dolefully informs everyone is their signal to leave. With two opposing groups of warrior super robots barring down on them and the Harbinger of Death well into the defrost cycle, the military guys make what I think to be one of the most retarded strategic decisions in the history of retarded strategic decisions: instead of having the fight in the middle of desert, they elect to move the Allspark (and the fight with it) to the middle of a major urban area!
I’m sorry I need a moment.
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Okay, I’m good now. The reason is simple: how can a movie fight be cool without massive collateral damage? And I will say the fight that follows is very cool. This is what the audience came for and it was not disappointing. Massive destruction and chaos ensue, as it should in all good action movies. I can’t complain they cheaped out on the fight, since the budget of each frame of film could easily pay for my higher education. However, they very obviously tried to limit the use of the computer models, with their millions of components each, but having the individual scenes of the fight remarkably small scale. You have Ironhide and Ratchet team up, spend some time with Brawl, flash over to Starscream strafing for a while, then off to Bumblebee with the kids, then back to Brawl. All this creates a very disconnected battle scene, and you’re often left wondering where one Decepticon is when we focus on another. It seems like they’re nice enough to wait and fight the Autobots and the humans one at a time. And it seems Barricade took a wrong off-ramp because he’s totally absent. Meanwhile Megatron shows up and proceeds to tear Jazz a new one. Or two. This is how Megatron should be: the God of Destruction to the average Autobot. Prime shows up and the real fight begins. I’ll admit my latent Transfan blood stirred when Prime told Megatron “One shall stand, one shall fall.” Pity they didn’t follow it up with the rest of the dialogue. Then Megatron proceeds to thoroughly and complete own Prime. I have no problem with this. Again, I like my Megatrons more powerful than their Prime; it sets up for very desperate situations, as it did here. I did find the conversation between them very odd, as Prime and Megatron debate whether the humans deserve protection. Prime I understand, but to Megatron this is like having a debate about the poor little ants on the battlefield getting all stepped on. They are so beneath him as to not even be a concern. He’s just there for the Allspark. So anyways just as all seems lost, a new power comes to light their darkest hour.
The US Air Force. With their missles.
No. No no no no no no no no. No. There is no way the Military should be able to hurt him this badly, not after Prime got his skidplate handed to him. The same goes for the others, especially Blackout. “The weakspot’s behind the chest???” So not only do these Transformers have armor weak enough to be breached by thermal hand grenade launchers, but they also have their Sparks right in the center of their chests?! No wonder there are only a handful left on each side, they must fall like matchsticks during battles. One guy on a bike should not be able to deliver a fatal shot to a Decepticon warrior.
Prime ultimately decides to make the ultimate sacrifice, but Sam quickly decides that Megatron should instead and sticks the Allspark right into Megatron’s spark. And turns him into Galvatron.
Seriously I so wish that was what happened. But really the most powerful evil robot in the galaxy crumples like a tin can in a terribly anti-climatic ending. Good wins. Evil loses. The dork gets the girl. Bumblebee’s voice box magically grows back. Somehow the US government covers up the existence of the Transformers, including the battle between a dozen of them that destroyed a major city center in plain sight. Yay! And Prime calls out to the stars:
“Join us. Join us for Transformers 2”
And they will come. And so will I.